According to its manufacturers, “The lightsaber is the weapon of a Jedi, an elegant weapon of a more civilized age. It can be used to cut through blast doors or enemies alike.”
However, Force Technologies, the maker of the lightsaber, has carelessly put a product into production which is causing great harm to those who use it. The “triple blade action” lightsaber has severed countless fingers and at least 421 wrists to date.* Making matters worse, “The Force Awakens” is causing the novice user to attempt maneuvers strictly done via CGI.
We have urged Force Technologies to issue a recall, but they have not quite yet. As such, we are debating a class action. If you have lost a limb or sustained serious “sideburn,” please do not hesitate to call us.**
*Losses to 384 different people. Many people had artificial hands severed as well. At least one victim had his severed hand cut off multiple times. (We are looking at you, Jar Jar).
** Please don’t call us about this. This is still a parody as of 2015. We are just lawyers with a sense of humor and a love for the “Star Wars” series.